- 4 new works added to Illustrations
Apologies if this blog is a little disorganized, truthfully I've never done anything like this before. Long story short, I've been feeling really down this past week and I can't pinpoint any one thing as to why. Perhaps it's a culmination of things that have happened but I'll skip to the point - I am an aging unfulfilled millennial and I need to make a serious change in my lifestyle.
I guess what set off this long train of thought this week was listening to J.Cole's 1985 "Intro to the Falloff" for the very first time, it's message was directed at the new age rappers of 2017-2018 but its message hit home with me because I saw parallels to my time in this fandom. Lyrics below (I highlighted what stuck with me):
" 1985, I arrived
33 years, damn, I'm grateful I survived
We wasn't s'posed to get past 25
Jokes on you motherfucker, we alive
All these niggas popping now is young
Everybody say the music that they make is dumb
I remember I was 18
Money, pussy, parties, I was on the same thing
You gotta give a boy a chance to grow some
Everybody talkin' like they know somethin' these days
Niggas actin' woke, but they broke, umm
I respect the struggle but you all frontin' these days
Man, they barely old enough to drive
To tell them what they should do, who the fuck am I?
I heard one of em' diss me, I'm suprised
I ain't trippin', listen good to my reply
Come here lil' man, let me talk with ya'
See if I can paint for you the larger picture
Congrats 'cause you made it out your mama's house
I hope you make enough to buy your mom a house
I see your watch icy and your whip foreign
I got some good advice, never quit tourin'
'Cause that's the way we eat here in this rap game
I'm fuckin' with your funky lil' rap name
I hear your music and I know that rap's changed
A bunch of folks would say that that's a bad thing
'Cause everything's commercial and it's pop now
Trap drums is the shit that's hot now
See, I've been on a quest for the next wave
But never mind, that was just a segue
I must say, by your songs I'm unimpressed, hey
But I love to see a Black man get paid
And plus, you havin' fun and I respect that
But have you ever thought about your impact?
These white kids love that you don't give a fuck
'Cause that's exactly what's expected when your skin black
They wanna see you dab, they wanna see you pop a pill
They wanna see you tatted from your face to your heels
And somewhere deep down, fuck it, I gotta keep it real
They wanna be black and think your song is how it feels
So when you turn up, you see them turnin' up too
You hit the next city, collect your money when it's due
You gettin' that paper, swimmin' in bitches, I don't blame you
You ain't thinkin' 'bout the people that's lookin' like me and you
True, you got better shit to do
You coulda bought a crib with all that bread that you done blew
I know you think this type of revenue is never endin'
But I wanna take a minute just to tell you that ain't true
One day, them kids that's listening gon' grow up
And get too old for that shit that made you blow up
Now your show's lookin' light cause they don't show up
Which unfortunately means the money slow up
Now you scramblin' and hopin' to get hot again
But you forgot you only popped 'cause you was ridin' trends
Now you old news and you goin' through regrets
'Cause you never bought that house, but you got a Benz
And a bunch of jewels and a bunch of shoes
And a bunch of fake friends, I ain't judgin' you
I'm just tellin' you what's probably gon' happen when you rappin'
'Bout the type of shit you rappin' 'bout
It's a faster route to the bottom
I wish you good luck
I'm hoping for your sake that you ain't dumb as you look
But if it's really true what people sayin'
And you call yourself playin' with my name
Then I really know you fucked, trust
I'll be around forever 'cause my skills is tip-top
To any amateur niggas that wanna get rocked
Just remember what I told you when your shit flop
In five years you gon' be on Love & Hip-Hop, nigga "
Reflection
1) All these niggas popping now is young
Outside of Furaffinity and Telegram/Discord, Twitter is the #1 social media for the furry fandom. Despite not being a dedicated art site, people have established their side hustles on Twitter and sharing art is pretty much synonymous with scrolling through it. When I joined the fandom back in 2013, there wasn't this much accessibility or acceptance -Gen Z is embracing the furry fandom like no other generation before it. As a result, there's so many super talented artists popping up in the fandom who are late teens, early 20's, absolutely killing it on social media. Couple this with the fact that there's a misconception that the furry fandom itself is a young persons' fandom, I've always felt like the "greymuzzles" of the fandom aren't being celebrated, if not just being outright forgotten. Furry history isn't being celebrated, and if it's not being celebrated, it's as if the time and growth of the fandom is unknown or lost to time.
2) I remember I was 18
Money, pussy, parties, I was on the same thing
You gotta give a boy a chance to grow some
(My work from 2013) When I hopped into the art side of the fandom in 2013, all I cared about was sharing my fetishy ideas in the TF/Footpaw genre since that's what I naturally gravitated towards and exploring my identity/sexuality. I wasn't thinking about anything else other than trying to be as good as the people I grew up viewing (BlackRat, Kuma, Teaselbone, RipRoarRex, Catmonkshiro, the list goes on). Every work was spent just trying to improve and share my ideas, but along the way I also developed the toxic mentality of basing my self-worth on views, +watchers, and comments. Eventually I grew out of that....for the most part.
3) Niggas actin' woke, but they broke, umm
I respect the struggle but you all frontin' these days
I used to think the furry fandom was a genuine community all-around, but, over the last few months, I've come to realize it's got its problems just like any other. There's hypocrites, cowards, keyboard warriors, and toxic people just like anywhere else; a lot of 'allies' who put BLM in their bio's and support social justice causes only in text on a screen and nothing else, they don't even support the black creators in the fandom. The same people who say the fandom is a community do nothing to foster it.
4) I got some good advice, never quit tourin'
'Cause that's the way we eat here in this rap game
I'm fuckin' with your funky lil' rap name
Being a commissioning artist, doing YCHs, character sales, Patreon-locked content, raffles, selling merch, etc., Are the equivalent of a musical artist going on tour to make money with their art. Even moreso when you factor in boothing/tabling at conventions. A lot of creators I know supplement the money for their bills by working as a commissioning creator - should they stop, so would their income (unless they had so many Patreon subs).
There's so many well-designed, unique, and creative fursonas out there these days. I'm always a fan.
5) See, I've been on a quest for the next wave
Somewhere around 2018-2019 I genuinely lost my passion for doing artwork (probably from burnout from working on Zach Cooner vol 1). I no longer saw the practicality of continuing to create work for improvement, I knew enough fundamentals and technique to create decent looking content and that was good enough for me at the time. There were already so many talented artists in the fandom, each with their own style and perspective. Ever since then I've been going about learning different mediums; photomanipulations, programming, 3D, VR, etc., to try and find the rare medium people would enjoy without it being so prevalent already in the fandom.
6) I must say, by your songs I'm unimpressed, hey
But I love to see a Black man get paid
Won't name names, just saying that some creators are getting really overpaid for their work and people gladly line up to pay them.
But I can also respect it because I do enjoy seeing other fellow furries find success/profit and they enjoy what they do.
7) And plus, you havin' fun and I respect that
But have you ever thought about your impact?
These white kids love that you don't give a fuck
Sadly, this is where it gets into a red area within the fandom. The same creators who's work is celebrated are often put on a pedestal by those who enjoy their work - almost like there's an unspoken pecking order. People gravitate towards them, they listen to them more in group chats, they interact with their work more, share their work more, etc., I have sympathy for the ones who's platforms are so large that they literally can't respond to everyone - I understand that - but my gripe is to those who are put on a pedestal and don't take the time to appreciate the one's who support them. I hate creators who don't respond or support their supporters, point, blank, period. I hate creators who don't use their platform to help build up those around them.
What ends up happening is, the people who don't create, who are little known or unknown, find it much harder to enjoy a 'community' where they're largely being ignored in favor of the 'popular creator'. (Imagine being ignored because you didn't have enough followers.) Don't claim to be a proud furry when your lack of tact and care is directly negatively affecting others.
8) You hit the next city, collect your money when it's due
You gettin' that paper, swimmin' in bitches, I don't blame you
You ain't thinkin' 'bout the people that's lookin' like me and you
True, you got better shit to do
Creators need to support creators, not tear them down. Creators need to support their supporters, not ignore them or take them for granted. A simple message reaching out or even a simple "Thank you" goes a very long way. I have always tried to respond to each and every one of the messages I get from others because I never want anyone to feel like they don't matter.
9) You coulda bought a crib with all that bread that you done blew
I know you think this type of revenue is never endin'
But I wanna take a minute just to tell you that ain't true
I know I got shit for giving a bad presentation on the TFTuesday podcast but my point stands: A lot of creators revenue streams are not optimal for the long-term. Unless they want to actively be commissioning artists to their deathbed.
10) One day, them kids that's listening gon' grow up
And get too old for that shit that made you blow up
Now your show's lookin' light cause they don't show up
Which unfortunately means the money slow up
This one plays out a bit differently because it's visual media and not musical performance. The Hip/hop-Rap game is different because popular genres change all the time as fans age and time goes on. It's very rare a single style of music reigns supreme for longer than a few years.
But I correlate this to being a long-term creator in the fandom - fans grow up, they age and, regardless of whether they move on or stick around, I have to ask myself, do I really want to be doing the same things at 46 that I was at 26? Do I really want to be making erotic work for horny 20-somethings to jerk off to and have nothing but a legacy of porn commissions, or do I want to do something else?
If I do something else in my old age after spending so long doing erotic work, what would my support base even look like? Who would support the new endeavor?
11) Now you scramblin' and hopin' to get hot again
But you forgot you only popped 'cause you was ridin' trends
Now you old news and you goin' through regrets
'Cause you never bought that house, but you got a Benz
And a bunch of jewels and a bunch of shoes
And a bunch of fake friends, I ain't judgin' you
If I were a commissioning artist who blew through their income for 20 years, not building any system for retirement, but garnering all these views, +watchers, followers, likes, etc., being surrounded by others who only like me for my work- I think that's truly a scenario I don't want to ever experience.
12) I'm just tellin' you what's probably gon' happen when you rappin'
'Bout the type of shit you rappin' 'bout
It's a faster route to the bottom
I wish you good luck
Pretty self explanatory. All current roads lead to the same conclusion for me - continuing to just create work in the TF/Footpaw fandom with no goal other than cash and views, will ultimately lead to a meaningless legacy (other than being a kink machine). The history of the fandom isn't celebrated so I won't be (outside of other aspiring creators occasionally telling me what an inspiration I was), I never made enough money through commissioning to retire, my friends are all aged and are living their lives (unless I want to be an old man befriending people less than half his age).
I Can't Live My Life This Way
And it was this grim realization that set my mood on a downward trend, seriously asking myself, "What do I want my legacy in this fandom to be? What am I even doing?"
Full transparency (and I hate how much power I give this over me), that TFTuesday podcast fallout had me questioning myself for a long time. I embraced hatred, used it as fuel to work like never before so I could get to a point where I could raise both my middle fingers and go, "Fuck all y'all!" and, though Kobe Bryant's philosophies did teach me better work ethic, it's like...what's the point? What am I gonna do, beat all my critics through the streets? No. The reality of the situation is, as discussed here, I've always used my sona' as my ideal self, something to admire and strive for. So when that ideal self-image became imperfect
and foolish, especially amongst the members I really wanted to appeal to, it really shook my self-confidence to the core. (Even now I struggle to put in my application to panel for Furry Migration.)
It was never about revenge, it was always about me and I've come to realize....I don't like me.
I've never opened up about it online but I've struggled with depression at a few memorable points in my life:
- First time I can remember being depressed was when I was 12. Being a kid who didn't quite fit in, didn't understand social ques/cliques, didn't understand his sexuality (Was already looking up TF/footpaw work at this time)
- High school Sophmore Year - I had transferred to a new school for their Track and Field coach/program. But I had no friends, embarassed myself on the basketball team, was bullied. This was a point where I legitmately began actively researching how to painlessly commit suicide.
- Sophomore Year of MCAD - There were a lot of things going on; parents getting a divorce, I sucked ass at art, roommate and I had a big falling out, shit with the UFFL/FBA wasn't going right, I was sick, tired, and fed up. I started taking walks at 3AM around shady parts of the city not caring if I got mugged. (I never did).
- 2019 - Finished Zach Cooner vol 1, completely burnt out. Comic didn't do as well as I wanted (due to bad planning on my part), I felt like a genuine failure, that my life was meaningless, and that I was a disappointment to my family.
It was actually my mentor and Martial Arts that got me out of my depression and enrolled in Grad School where I ended up getting my Masters in Software Engineering.
But it seems like, no matter what goal I set forth or accomplish, I can't fill the void that is my self-confidence. I don't feel proud of myself no matter what I do. I keep asking around, trying to find some magic answer.
So I live through the dream that I can be this fantasy version of myself, someone who's perfect, or, at least less flawed. Someone who's everything I want to be and I go for that goal in the hopes that I can be happy with who I am.
But, lately, I've just been thinking that I'm almost out of my 20's, I've made several enemies in the fandom, single-handedly ruined a relationship with a man who loved me, have only completed one of the projects I wanted to do since graduation (and it didn't even turn out great), and haven't accomplished anything business-wise. I feel like a big bundle of wasted potential, I lost the confidence I had at the beginning of the year, and it's all got me feeling regretful.
- What if I had just stuck with doing and improving in 2D visual art after graduating MCAD in 2017, would I be where Kerun or Sky3 is?
- What if I had properly planned Zach Cooner and tried to turn that into a career rather than burning out and putting it off? Would it be popular in the fandom?
- What if I never learned business and business development and stayed at Mediacom as a Software Engineer, where would I be now?
- What if I never burned bridges with former friends?
What if, what if, what if...but I can't change the past. I've learned a great deal the past 5 years, and without those, I wouldn't have KZ3 or Kzthree.com. I wouldn't have the skillsets I have now, know the people I do, or know martial arts at all.
Still, I'm at a point in my life where I either need to make a lifestyle change to be extraordinary or settle for an average existence and lower my expectations/goals. As much as I wish I were, there's nothing extraordinary about me. I have the fundamentals of lots of different skills, but I'm an expert at nothing. The current goals I have require nothing short of calculated perfection and consistency...and I haven't hit a single one of my goals I set this year. It's May, going on June, and while I understand that success rarely happens on our own timelines, it's so depressing to see all the time that's passed when I know I'm the inferior version of another me who did everything they were supposed to.
Manifest the Dream
It's such an odd topic to talk about to other non-furs that your dream in life is to be a fantasy animal-character, but that's genuinely my dream. To do that, I need to speak it out loud, write it out, accurately depict what I want in life.
Ultimately, I want to achieve my best self and help others (furry or not) achieve their best self, physically and mentally.
I started this new fantasy setting with KZ3 called KZDo (KZ + Dojo = KZDo)
I want to be able to be KZ3:
- Someone who trains twice a day (Once doing Physical Training, Once doing Martial Arts, Gymnastics, Breakdancing)
- I want Financial Freedom (To be able to do what I want and to have my bills paid)
- I want full body range of motion (Full body flexibility)
- I want to achieve 'mastery' in BJJ
- I want to be good at meditating and do it daily
- I want to be on an intentional diet in relation to my fitness goals (nutritious, no-junk, vitamins, no-soda)
- I want to be an instructor, coach, or trainer for other martial artists
- I want to open a free virtual school for other furs who want to gain self-confidence and learn martial arts
- I want to get to know and form a community with the other martial arts furs in the fandom
- I want a KZ3 Fursuit
- I want to learn the Japanese language
- I want my projects successfully completed
In Conclusion
Without making this blog too long, I'm really unhappy with where I currently am in my life and I believe I'll find peace by making the changes necessary to become my dream-self. There's lot of things I really want to do that simply can't be done without serious dedication and planning - it's a call that I must answer.
Thank you for reading!