UPDATES:
- Posted 2 New Artworks in the Illustration Gallery
Sorry I went away for awhile, needed a few weeks to revaluate what exactly I'm doing in the furry fandom, whether I want to be here, and what the ultimate goal is. Last month I was invited to be on the TFTuesday Podcast, an opportunity I was (and still am) grateful for. But I blew it by primarily discussing a very delicate subject (finances) without any preparation; didn't have my large amount of notes, didn't practice, wasn't organized in my delivery. Hindsight 20/20, the end result isn't a surprise - I sounded like an utter fool peddling misinformation to impressionable creators. It's one thing to be bad in a performance, it's another when you're so bad that the results could actually ruin someone's life. I fucked up big time and boy did the TF community of creators who listened to the podcast let me know it.
In all honesty, the end result of the podcast could not have gone any worse: the episode was by and large panned - people were borderline outraged - the showrunners disbanded after its release (episode deleted a week later) and the podcast is self-suspended indefinitely, I had successfully discredited myself and gave a bad first impression to my target audience. When you're the first really bad episode of a series and the series stops immediately after, it's REALLY difficult to not to feel you killed it (though I was reassured otherwise by one of the showrunners). Hurts even worse when you're the one who campaigned to be on the show in the first place.
More than any of that though, I was gutted by the rejection of other TF artists. When I was 18 years old, I dreamed of being apart of a creative community that worked together and looked out for each other, but the fallout was a wake-up call - it was nothing but the fantasy of a naive teenager. The stupidest part of me wanted their validation, to know I belonged or was, at least, acknowledged. But out of ALL the reactions, rants, etc., It wasn't the criticism of the unknown (or even the known) names in the community, it was this right here that cut deep like surgery:
"This episode disappointed me both as a TF artist and an MCAD student" because this came from someone who I thought was an acquaintance (we attended school together).
This is the kind of stuff that would legitimately make me do this:
Consequences
There's consequences to every action. The fallout from the podcast left me reeling for quite awhile. I no longer knew this community I wanted to be apart of, I didn't know if I even wanted to create for it anymore or move on to other endeavors, I seriously questioned my place and future in the fandom and that's when I learned 4 truths:
1) Mamba Mentality
In my sulking and depression my uplifting actually came from Deceased HoF NBA Player Kobe Bryant (RIP) and his legendary work ethic coined "Mamba Mentality". It showed me just how much more I could be doing to improve my knowledge and skillsets and how I need to go about approaching obstacles and goals.
Though Michael Jordan's "And I took that personally..." is meme'd, it's a true fact and one Kobe adopted and one I'm adopting now: I took the fallout from the podcast very personally and I vowed to do whatever it took, read and study whatever necessary, participate in bootcamps, workshops, seminars, join entreprenuer chambers, get the experience I needed to make each one of these people eat their words. If I ultimately fail, it's damn sure not because of a lack of trying. I need to outwork EVERYONE.
2) I Have Not Been Authentic and Have Been Lowering Myself For Others
One of the reasons I created KZ3 and this website to begin with is to be unapologetically myself, yet I found, through this and last year, I had been biting my tongue and being hesitant to act based on trying to garner the approval of others. Afraid to rock the boat and come off as arrogant because it would cause drama in the community and the growth of my platform. Despite remaining professional and courteous, I was still called arrogant, still called out my name, blah blah blah
During my period of self-doubt I looked at rappers and influencers with envy, they could say what they wanted, do what they wanted, and even though they're typically just characters (no different than WWE with keyfabe), they ooze confidence as if their very existence was a spectacle to see. Having KZ3 on my screensaver while listening to Kanye West and DaBaby was actually...therapeutic. I love my sona' and, typically fursona's are the ideal personal avatars of the creator (embodying their traits in some way) and if I can't even present my ideal-self as a spectacle and be me, what the fuck is the point?
I have been discrediting and downplaying my own accomplishments and putting up with other people's bullshit for too damn long and I'm done with that shit. I'm going to say what I want, do what I want, and I'm not putting up with people's shit.
- I have a Master's in Software Engineering
- I graduated from Art School with a Comic Art degree
- The vast majority of my work experience has been using my skillsets in Non-profit organizations to help others acheive their goals and I help teens go to college.
- I teach children how to breakdance and am consulting my city's first breakdance company. We're on a mission to get kids over to Paris, France in 2024 for the Olympics (Breakdancing is an event there)
- I'm a commissioning artist that does logos, websites, and 3D.
- I have created 2 books, including a 190-page graphic novel.
- I learned 3D modeling, rigging, animation, and VR
- I train 4-5 times a week in either breakdancing, martial arts, gymnastics, or physical training with a personal trainer.
- I read 1 book a week and enroll in e-courses to improve my knowledge on finances, taxes, etc.,
None of the critics see the early morning, late nights, or constant grind I'm on to build 3 companies up at the same time. They don't see the work I put in day in and day out or what it takes to do that, so if I come off as 'arrogant' you better make damn sure you understand it's because I've more than earned that right.
3) My Circle and Supporters Are What Really Matter
I am done going above and beyond for others who don't reciprocate the respect and appreciation I show them. A relationship is not a one-way street and I am not building a foundation around people I can't trust. If you ride with me and believe in what I'm doing or are a fan of my work, understand, I've got your back, I ride with those who ride with me. But if I find out someone is actively riding against me and/or my circe/supporters or being in the way of what we're doing, consequences come swift.
4) I'm A Black Male in Pre-Dominantly White Fandom
This point could warrant a post in of itself, so I think I'll elaborate further in a future post. Bottom line is there are cultural differences in this fandom and our experiences and perspectives vastly vary. I've come to realize that I've really been watering down what I say, create, and do to cater to a largely white audience out of fear of becoming the stereotype of an 'angry nigga' or 'thug'. Still, some people don't realize I train multiple times a week to inflict physical trauma on another human being and they feel bold talking safely behind a screen; Still, they don't know what it's like to be in a room on the daily with no one who looks like you or shares your common experience; Still, they don't know what it feels like to not belong in this fandom and understand why the BIPOC Discord had to be created.
What's Next?
For this platform I'm tightening my circle and kicking off people who don't ride with me or my community. I'm going to be working more towards serialized content pertaining to multiple Adult project characters such as Bo the Bro, Kelvin Hailey, Cody Koger, and more. I'm done chasing after the approval of creators and focusing just on those who support my content. This site will be much more active as I work towards building a consistent schedule.
Thanks for reading!
Got questions?
Email [email protected]
Twitter: @MMApoodle
KZ3