Art by the extremely talented Leo-Artis
Had a mid-life crisis at 26: https://www.kzthree.com/kzthreehome/im-aging-unfulfilled-millennial-i-need-make-change/
Came to the realization that I wasn't happy in my current station and, upon reflecting on the last 8 years I spent in the fandom, came to the conclusion that what I thought was important wasn't important at all and that I either need to make the changes necessary to achieve my dreams or settle for being average and lower my expectations.
But what does that actually mean and how does that relate to KZ3?
Well, long story short, the fandom was my one true was exploring my identity when I was 18 and a Freshman at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design. I was exploring a lot of things that I was too afraid to do in High School; Dance, Music, Acting, Writing, RP, Getting furry literature, (( which is how I discovered Kyell Gold )) and I attended my first convention that Fall at the very first Furry Migration convention in MN. The fandom was a community I'd always wanted to be apart of because it was magical to me back then.
But, in all honesty, I didn't come from such a happy background and didn't have a healthy mindset when I made it my life's mission to become a (calling it for what it is) popufur in the furry fandom. (Social Influencer was not a coined term yet back then as we know it now). The reality of the situation is, I was bullied pretty badly growing up and, growing up in the black community when my 'mentors' were BET and Rap, I was led to believe in very closed-minded and materialistic ideals, not understanding the difference between characters portrayed for sales and reality. I never established my own self-esteem and, as a result, I was very insecure and low in self-confidence. The only way I could build myself up was through the approval of others, being showered with praise and respect to fill the void, making others see me as a wonder. So, sort of like BoJack Horseman, I became egotistical, vulnerably narcissistic , and depressed.
In a way, I used the fandom as anyone addicted to a drug would - as an escape, a temporary metaphorical high I was constantly chasing to avoid feeling worthless. I created artwork, people were nice to me and gave me attention, I studied/practiced/improved to make better content to get more attention, then I created more artwork. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. I suppose that wouldn't be a bad thing if my goal was just to build a platform to make money as a commissioning artist but the problem lay in being a community member. Not like I had great social skills with my introversion and insecurity at the time, but my mindset was one of me creating work so people would come to me rather than me going out to meet others and network. My behavior was inconsiderate and I ended up torching more than a few relationships with others over the years as a result.
I got out of this toxic mentality years ago and am mentally much healthier when it comes to self-esteem but that doesn't mean I don't feel regretful when I look back at all the missed opportunities and closed windows as a result.
Damaged
No one stays the same from ages 18 to 26 and I'm no different. I was a boy then and I've learned and matured a great deal over the near-decade long time I've been here. But it wasn't until 2-3 weeks ago I realized that this "dream" I'd been chasing was ultimately meaningless and just the fantasy of someone who just wants some attention and closure for the bullying they faced as a youth. This video sums it up perfectly:
Even if I'd gotten this dream, I'd of ended up miserable and regretful for this reason:
Outside of Financial Gain through contracted work, what exactly am I supposed to do with +Watchers, Likes, Subscribers, Hearts, etc., What good is being the Guest of Honor at AnthroCon if I'm a 50 year old man with no family, no lover, no legacy outside projects and artwork for financial gain? What good is money if I don't want/need anything? Being a popufur was important to me as a youngin' because (for lack of better wording) I had issues, and I thought getting to a point of being constantly seen and celebrated would solve those issues and give my life meaning, but it never would have - it'd of just made it worse.
But I'm almost out of my 20's now (will be 27 in August) and here I am picking up the pieces of a near decade dream that's resulted in missed/blown opportunities, lost friendships, and loneliness. So now I ask myself, after 8 years of chasing after fame for fulfillment, what do I want from my life?
Peace
And ultimately, I want to live. I don't want to be bound by my insecurities any longer and I don't want to look back on my life with any more regrets.
I asked myself, when was the last time I was truly happy? And that was when I was training Martial Arts. I had stopped training last Fall to focus on building KZEnt but, after the podcast in Feb, it was a real eye opener that my vision wasn't gonna work out in this demographic. So now I'm getting back to me. Before, I was using the Mamba Mentality for revenge against my critics, now I'm using it for my own personal goals.
My dream is to be my best-self physically and that started with ditching my addiction to soda and energy drinks, cutting off fast-food, and getting back into the dojo to train, going ALL-IN this time.
Now I'm enrolled in Judo, BJJ/Kickboxing, and following a daily Callisthenic workout and Body mobility program from Callisthenic Movement. I want to compete in grappling competitions and maybe even eventually amateur striking and MMA fights in the future - not for the glory, but to improve myself as a fighter.
Furthermore, I want to become a coach/instructor/trainer for others who want to learn Martial Arts and develop self-confidence in themselves so they don't fall into the pit I did.
I want to live the life of the romanticized Shaolin in film:
Being able to live peacefully - not financially burdened, training physically and mentally, eating healthy, and passing their craft down to the next generation. That's what I want.
I still want to make my projects but, I also understand those projects are not tied to my self-worth anymore. They are simply entertaining stories to be bought and sold (no matter what media that takes). I also understand that I can only do so much as an individual (especially when training 6 days a week).
I want a boyfriend - to not close myself off to intimacy and relationships. I want to be able to go home to someone who gives a damn about me.
Conclusion
I'm at the point in my life where I've got to make the intentional decision to be my best self or settle for average. Having understood why I made mistakes in the past is what's led me to my current resolve and what's shaped the future of this platform.
Thank you all for reading!
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