Hey everyone,
Back to post regularly to the site. Had a long and depressing 2022 that led to me doing some serious soul searching and self healing - I needed the time away to really get back to me and understand myself better. I had been downplaying everything I've done and achieved in a desperate attempt to earn others' approval because the fear of being rejected was too much (and quite frankly, really unhealthy).
I cared too much about what others thought and there's a threshold to that - there's a difference between being a pretentious and arrogant douche' who takes other for granted vs doing genuinely good for others and keeping your own self-esteem down out of fear of being perceived as the former. As a result of the disastrous podcast last February I scrambled for a solution on the identity-crisis I was having, and one of the solutions was to treat the fandom like rappers treat the rap game or athletes treat sports, a game of one-upsmanship. Popular TF artist KoriVlf advised me last May that I shouldn't treat the furry fandom as a competition and that I shouldn't boil people down to boxes and rigid ideas - KoriVlf is right on all accounts:
- I shouldn't treat the fandom as a competition. Even though I find it distasteful that, in a fandom where community is the buzzword, some are treated as invisible by the one's they actively support, the reality of the situation is that comparison is the thief of joy. Every would-be, should-be, could-be creator/furry has their own story on how they got to that point - trying to one-up everyone is just a recipe for unnecessary stress and obsessive - near sociopathic - desire to dominate others in the not sexy way.
- I shouldn't boil people down to rigid ideas. One should use patterns of behavior, facts, and logic based on the individual - people are complex.
Confidence vs Arrogance
And when I came to understand this I realized that the same people I was so desperately pining for the approval of...weren't worth it. It's a tricky line to walk between taking pride in your accomplishments and not comparing yourself to others, but it's not a matter of rigid ideas, it's a matter of looking inward and noting the personal facts.
- I am a decent artist, animator, graphic designer, programmer, game dev, computer technician, martial artist, breakdancer - I have more skillsets than most.
- I have a 190 page graphic novel and a book published.
- I have a Masters in Software Engineering and landed my desired job.
- I'm part owner of a Dance Company and have been teaching children to do things they've wanted to do but didn't think they could.
- I teach and mentor kids and help them accomplish their goals almost every day.
- I get students to and through college as my day job.
- I've read and studied more in four months than what most people read in 4 years.
It was a major personal issue: The fact of the matter is I've worked harder, accomplished more, and done more for my community (especially in the black community) both online and irl than most of the people I sought the approval of, including popular creators. The issue was not a lack of praise, it was my own lack of self-respect. In my mind, none of what I did mattered, I was a failure - I listened to those online spewing negativity despite them never having done much themselves in their life (if anything at all).
I had no confidence in the fact that I genuinely provide a positive impact in many people's lives and that I used my skillsets to better those around me. I was apologizing just for existing, trying to conform, bring myself down out of fear. And truthfully, it really lowered my self-esteem to its lowest point. So I took a big break and came to accept that what I thought was important (online clout) wasn't important at all:
Being a good artist and popular creator does't make you a good person.
Being a good artist and popular creator doesn't mean you're actually all that talented.
Talent means nothing to me if it wasn't used to directly help others.
I'm not a failure, I'm not talentless, I'm not an idiot, I'm not arrogant, I'm not selfish, I'm not weak, I'm not a coward, I'm not a snake.
I refuse to listen to the negativity of those who are passengers in their own life anymore.
I am who I am and who I am is someone who wants to accomplish their dream while using my time on the planet to make a positive impact to those around me. When I came to understand and accept myself, I began the process of taking care of and loving myself as I should have done years ago. I will always be thankful of those who have supported me and will continue to provide help and support to others.
Here's to a brand new year with big positive changes to come!
