Updates:

  • Site reboot, some blogs and art were lost. I recovered what I could.
  • Added new images and animations.
  • Added 3D and AI art sections. (All AI art is done for fun and personal use only.)

Been a long time coming to make it back to this point. I guess to really move on I have to open up about what's happened the last 3 years that's led to me disappearing.

TL;DR A lot of people let me down and I became very depressed. Now I'm not.

After I bombed in the TFTuesday podcast in February 2022 I had (what I now know was) a mental breakdown. I tried to move on but ultimately I ended up spiraling into deep depression and being clinically diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I was truly resigned to the belief that my voice was worthless, I was worthless, and nothing I did mattered. Almost everything I did ended in failure:

  • I tried to be a small time business developer - couldn't handle the anxiety and let the opportunity pass me by.
  • I tried to run a graphic design workshop, botched orders and couldn't get customers due to me being unable to do sales due to my disorder.
  • I tried to be President of a children's dance company that I gave my everything to help run, only for it to financially crumble.
  • Reconciled with my ex, tried again, ended with them hating me.
  • Job performance suffered greatly due to me no longer being able to perform the duties required to be successful in the position. Resigned before I was fired.
  • The investment group I was apart of went belly up as members left (which is a whole other story)
  • I failed a programming commission due to my own inexperience.
  • I botched my tryouts and battles at FWA 2023 and 2024.
  • Ended a friendship of 11 years that'd become toxic.

The list goes on but by Fall 2023 I was mentally checked out and my self esteem was at an all-time low. I didn't believe anyone cared what I had to say and that I was unworthy of others' attention, so why bother. I believed I deserved everything bad that ever happened to me and that I was the common denominator in everything that went wrong. I'm not joking when I say from Fall 2023 to Fall 2024, there's just a black hole in my memory because I honestly can't remember doing anything other than going to work as a janitor and studying 3D animation and dance at home. I didn't go out, I didn't post on social media, I barely spoke to my coworkers (outside of small talk), I lived as a recluse. I remember crying in my car that January 2024 feeling like a failure and it wasn't until that August that I sat in my car and honestly thought, "There's got to be more to life than this..."

That's when Furry Migration 2024 happened and that was a bright spot. I learned about MN Furs and visited my old art college, that's when I decided that I'd move out to Minneapolis in 2025 because I sure as shit knew I wasn't happy in Des Moines. Because of the dance community and the awesome people at FM, I actually felt 'seen' and that I belonged, something I'd wanted for a long time. The plan was in motion through the Fall of 2024 until I got a sudden opportunity to work for Microsoft as a Datacenter Technician (Intern) - which put a wrench in those plans. This carries me to today.

I'm in a better place (sort of). It's still hard for me to write this as a part of me still feels like no one cares but, after some encouragement from others, I decided to give this another go. I still like KZ3 as a sona, I still like TF creations (even if the community broke my heart), and I still want to do things here and there around it but my original dream to be a TF content creator for a living is deader than dead. Due to reasons spoken before, my will is gone in that regard.

But not everything was a shit show in that time span:

  • I did learn breakdancing and performed at over 100 street shows (including festivals, Harlem Globetrotter, fairs, etc.,)
  • I taught hundreds of kids how to breakdance and did the best I could to encourage and inspire them to be themselves. So much so parents thanked me off to the side and told me how it was impacting their kids.
  • I led a graphic design cohort full of teenagers for a Summer.
  • I learned the fundamentals of 3D and 2D animation and studied a RIDICULOUS amount of softwares and plug-ins for creation.
  • I learned fundamental gymnastics, something I thought I never could do.

I can do things now that my 2022 self could have only dreamed of and I'm pursuing a different dream that's unrelated to KZ3 (that will be talked about more in the future).

I guess, all I can really say is thank you if you've stuck with me thus far and I'll be around a lot more.