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Dark Times
In order to understand where I'm at right now, we have to understand where I was:
2022 was a rather harrowing year for me. After the disaster that was the original TFTuesday podcast, I had a legitimate, full-on existential crisis which spiraled into depression. I hit a very dark place, and while my self-worth was at an all-time low, my resentment towards those I held disdain for was at an all-time high. As dramatic as it sounds, it's the truth; I think I felt genuine hatred for the first time. Everything I had worked for felt meaningless, and even worse, I was in a spot where I believed my worldview about others was flat-out wrong, and I became very cynical and distrustful. If it wasn't painfully obvious, my mental health was deteriorating. I fell out of love with creating artwork.
I believed that the only way I could find happiness was to achieve and/or do something so undeniably spectacular that others would have no choice but to acknowledge me – so that I had meaning and value. In 2022, I had to make a choice. There was a very unique opportunity with a newly formed breakdance company that I believed would help me achieve this goal via dance comps, or I could stay with martial arts (I could not commit to both; there simply wasn't enough time). I chose the former out of the belief that this would lead me to happiness.
A lot of people will never know just how much rage I had. There were days I was fueled by nothing but caffeine and hate to go to the gym on four, three, sometimes even two hours of sleep (because I couldn't sleep), under the assumption that "this would all be worth it once I win."
Welp, that 2022, I injured myself at Furry Migration in a losing battle against dance popufur Ozone (tore my labrum, strained my abdominal and calf muscle) and was on the shelf for three months. I vowed to return even better, and so, after physical therapy, I resumed my two-a-day trainings while teaching dance classes on the side (I can do a whole other entry just on the disaster that was the dance company). While I was getting physically very healthy, my mental health was the worst it'd ever been.
I finally got a fursuit of KZ3
and was training hard for Furry Weekend Atlanta that following May (2023), only to botch my tryout for the dance comp and also get cut in the prelims for the dance battles. Still remaining optimistic, I focused over the Summer to really better myself in dance, only to get to Furry Migration 2023 and underperform (not placing in the dance comp and losing in the second round of the dance battles to the eventual winner, ZeroHellhound).
None of what I trained so hard for panned out. I still felt like an invisible nobody while my peers were enjoying notoriety. The dance company proved to be a hindrance rather than an auxiliary to my goals, and by then, my job performance had suffered so much at my day job that I had two choices: resign or be fired. By the Fall of 2023, I had one last resolve – make one last run at my furry dreams, the last chance. (That resolve will be discussed in a later journal).
By the beginning of 2024, I had no idea what to do with KZ3. I wasn't training in martial arts and was out of practice with it (my new job wouldn't let me do it). I'd see Facebook photos of the people I used to train with progressing in their belts, winning or competing in tournaments, generally having a lot of fun – and I felt like I was always missing out and longing for the old days. I was training for FWA 2024 with the new dream and character, but I botched that tryout too and vowed not to go back to FWA until I knew for sure I could perform well. It wasn't until ToastyCreationz announced that they'd lost their battle with cancer on June 18, 2024, that I began to really shift my perspective on mortality and what actually matters. Everything felt meaningless; no one would remember who did what on what day in 100 years. We die alone, but we live among others; the only thing that matters is what we did with the time we had with each other. Suffice it to say, that Summer I realized I was genuinely unhappy and that I needed to make a change.
Furry Migration 2024 was an eye-opener for me that really softened my heart. Everyone was so nice and supportive, completely opposite of the belief I had prior. I performed well in the dance comp and dance battles, and for the first time, I felt SEEN. It made me realize that winning dance comps ain't that deep; they don't truly matter or provide the figurative value to a person that I had thought years ago. It wasn't about winning (at least with furry-related competitive dance events); it was about the people being present together in that time and space.
(Furry Migration 2024 Dance Cypher Event)
I was happy with how it went, and I began making plans to move to Minneapolis, but later that October, I got an opportunity as an intern with Microsoft at their Datacenter (I was officially a furry stereotype).
Jump to the present: I had a new resolve. Time was going to pass regardless of my input or objections, so I wanted to begin living a life I can be happy with – knowing that I used the time doing what I wanted to do and being a person I could be proud of. The joy I felt pursuing new skills and goals outweighed the hatred I felt towards those I resented, and gradually that hatred dissipated. With that new resolve, I realized that I truly missed being KZ3 and didn't want time to pass regretting what I could have been. So, I made the plan and rejoined my martial arts gym – I haven't been this happy since pre-Covid.
Doggy Doggy What Now?
I've made it clear to my former instructors that I'm starting over – white belt, level 1, no stripes. I want to start anew and do it the right way this time.
Well, here's the thing: pre-Covid martial arts gym fees were reasonably priced, but once Covid shook the MA world to its core, gym prices have gone up exponentially. As a result, I need 200 USD in extra income each month to supplement gym fees on my way towards my long-term goal with KZ3, which is why I'll be opening commissions come June.
For those who don't know, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is one of, if not the, most difficult black belts to obtain in martial arts. They take belt promotion very seriously, and it takes on average 10–12 years to earn one (6–8 if you're absolutely hauling ass). There's a constant debate on the consistency and practicality of belt promotion systems (it makes no sense that one can train for 2000 practice hours, teach 500 hours, participate in over 100 tournaments but can't be a black belt simply because no one in their area is qualified to promote them – that's extremely stupid), so I'm creating my own for myself.
Using this video as a guide:
I created my own spreadsheet to keep track of my progress: My Martial Arts Attendance Spreadsheet
This is to publicly showcase my journey in the craft and to prove the body of work I've put in. While I will never openly disrespect and disrupt my gym's system in place, I also won't let another grown man tell me I didn't put in the work to earn something when I have undeniable proof I did. So, once the requirements for the belts are met, I'm promoting myself.
As I progress, so does KZ3, and ultimately the goal is what I call the triple B (Black Belt in BJJ, Black Belt in Judo, Black Belt in Karate). Belts don't make you a better fighter, of course; it's just to denote the body of work and discipline I've put into the crafts to prove to myself in my life that I could do it – making myself and KZ3 the best they can be.
I'm easing into the practice. I'm getting older, and my body doesn't recover as quickly as it once did 10 years ago. I'm starting with BJJ and will gradually introduce Judo and Karate at later dates (once my financial situation is figured out, depending on if Microsoft hires me on as an employee).
Conclusion
For the first time in a long time, I'm happy with myself and feel the drive I hadn't felt since pre-Covid. Every day I wake up like I'm on a mission – not like how it was when that mission was born and fueled by hatred and self-contempt – but one of pride and excitement. Best of all, it doesn't interfere with my primary mission (will discuss later).
I don't know what the future holds, but for right now, I'm living in the present and just enjoying the time I have with others while I have it. It's a shame it took death and depression for me to get to this resolve, but here we are.
Feel free to check on the spreadsheet every once in a while to see the progress being made. The spreadsheet serves as both proof but also accountability – how humiliating would it be if you all saw me get lazy and quit? Ew.
Jokes aside, thank you to everyone who's stuck by me, even in my worst times. I can't really express enough how much I appreciate you and hope I can do you proud moving forward!